PoopBoy + MermaidMurmur

By Michele Tallarita

September 16
PoopBoy (4:14 p.m.): Hey.

MermaidMurmur: ahoy. u weren’t in school. everything alright?

PoopBoy: Sick as a dog.

MermaidMurmur: sorry.

PoopBoy: It’s the colon again. Probably going to be out for the couple weeks, just so you know.

MermaidMurmur: dude, that suckz. i just cried a little.

PoopBoy: Right.

MermaidMurmur: tears r flowing down my cheeks, my nose is running marathonssss

PoopBoy: Shut up. Who’s Mrs. Cotton picked to play Romeo in my place?

MermaidMurmur: no one yet. maybe she won’t pick anyone. it’d be just like her to try and do romeo and juliet without romeo lolz

PoopBoy: Lol. I’m sure you’d be fine. You like monologues, right?

“Found Blur Motion” © ilouque https://www.flickr.com/photos/ilouque/6169402770/


September 17
PoopBoy (4:50 p.m.): You there? Hello?


MermaidMurmur (5:17 p.m.): anthonyyyyyyyyyyyy???? i’m here. now where r u?


MermaidMurmur (5:22 p.m.): anthony, gettt outtt offf theee bathrrooooommm!!


PoopBoy (5:35 p.m.): I wasn’t in the bathroom.

MermaidMurmur: i just assumed.

MermaidMurmur: with the colon thing….

MermaidMurmur: o never mind, how goes the bum life?

PoopBoy: I’m not a bum. I’m sick.

MermaidMurmur: whatevs. i’ve got to talk to u!!!

PoopBoy: ?

MermaidMurmur: SHE PICKED HOLLY!!!

PoopBoy: What?

MermaidMurmur: to play romeo!!!!

PoopBoy: Holly’s a girl.

MermaidMurmur: u see my dilemma??!!

PoopBoy: Ooohhh. That’s awkward.

MermaidMurmur: awkward? AWKWARD?!

PoopBoy: Hahahaha. I love Mrs. Cotton.

MermaidMurmur: o yeah, laugh all u want toilet boy.

PoopBoy: Seriously, I love her.

MermaidMurmur: i think she’s using this play to make a political statement. isn’t that like not allowed?!? doesn’t that require like permission slips?!!!

PoopBoy: Ah, my mind is finally at ease.

MermaidMurmur: what?

PoopBoy: Never mind.

MermaidMurmur: i thought for sure she’d pick football tristan without u here. he’s not as good an actor, but come on don’t u think he’d make a great romeo?

PoopBoy: I don’t mind imagining his death by stabbing.

MermaidMurmur: o anthony.


September 20
MermaidMurmur (3:30 p.m.): anthony???

MermaidMurmur: hellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohello????

MermaidMurmur: u wouldn’t believe what happened.

MermaidMurmur: so we’re running lines for the stupid play in english today, right? and i’m like, romeo oh romeo, wherefore art thou blah blah blah. i’m really trying to get into it, u know? i’m imagining the balcony and the cool night air and the stars.

MermaidMurmur: and it’s going really good and all.

MermaidMurmur: and then holly starts speaking romeo’s lines in this man-voice, and i just lost it. i started laughing and couldn’t stick a cork in it. what’s that saying? about the cat getting out of the bag? my cat was laughing and it would not get back in the bag!!!

MermaidMurmur: r u here!?!?

MermaidMurmur: well I’m laughing and holly leaps up from her desk and stomps over to me and omg was her face RED.

PoopBoy: I don’t blame her. You laughed at her man-voice.

MermaidMurmur: ANTHONY!!! thank god.

PoopBoy: Ok. Thank you, God.

MermaidMurmur: mrs. cotton basically gave birth to a cow about the whole thing, saying how i was MONSTROUSLY disrespectful.

MermaidMurmur: she threatened to take juliet away from me. WHAT DO I DO?!??

PoopBoy: This is really very simple.

PoopBoy: Build up your man-voice tolerance.

MermaidMurmur: how the heck am I supposed to do that??

PoopBoy: You. Me. Phone. Now.

MermaidMurmur: my mom’s screaming DINNERRRR!! i gotta go.

PoopBoy: Oh hey, wait!

MermaidMurmur: what?

PoopBoy: I’m going to be out a while longer. Do you think you could start emailing me the Alg. notes?

MermaidMurmur: u okay?

PoopBoy: Sick. But I should be back at school soon.

MermaidMurmur: i’ll email em. get well anthony!!!!


September 23
PoopBoy (10:30 a.m.): You’re in school right now. I am so bored.


PoopBoy (1:32 p.m.): You are still in school. And I am still bored.


PoopBoy (4:00 p.m.): You here?


PoopBoy (6:37 p.m.): Don’t forget the Alg. notes. I’m so behind in that class it’s lapping me.


“das schönste Warten” © Rosmarie Voegtli https://www.flickr.com/photos/rvoegtli/33569695740/

September 27
MermaidMurmur (4:12 p.m.): ANTHONY!!! SO SORRY BOUT THE ALG NOTES!!!!! i was in the hugest glob of trouble and couldn’t get to my computer.

PoopBoy: That’s okay.

PoopBoy: Why were you in trouble?

MermaidMurmur: it’s holly.

MermaidMurmur: she’s was like “ur not taking this seriously!”

MermaidMurmur: and i was like “ur a girl!”

MermaidMurmur: and she was like “so r you!”

MermaidMurmur: “i’m Juliet! i’m allowed to be!”

MermaidMurmur: picture this screamfest going down in the middle of english, mind u.

MermaidMurmur: she’s like “I’m romeo and I’m allowed to be a girl too!”

MermaidMurmur: then I snap and start screaming U CAN’T BE ROMEO. ROME-NO! ROME-NOOOO!!!

MermaidMurmur: basically i lost it.

PoopBoy: Where was Mrs. Cotton during all of this?

MermaidMurmur: jumping around like a referee. and then giving me a detention. and then sending me to the office.

PoopBoy: You amaze me.

MermaidMurmur: ??

PoopBoy: So what does it matter if Romeo is Holly?

MermaidMurmur: i don’t think ur grasping the weirdness.

PoopBoy: I’m grasping it. And I’m saying you’re overreacting. You probably just wish you were running lines with Football Tristan.

MermaidMurmur: ugh. i thought u’d like understand or something.

PoopBoy: I do understand. But I think you should get over it and get on board with what Mrs. Cotton is trying to say.

MermaidMurmur: harsh

PoopBoy: Yep.


MermaidMurmur (6:30 p.m.): it’s easy for u to tell me to get over it. ur at home.


PoopBoy (6:52 p.m.): Trust me. I’m not having an easy time of it.


MermaidMurmur (7:30 p.m.): i think i’d LIKE to take a sick day one of these days.


MermaidMurmur (8:11 p.m.): anthony?


PoopBoy (9:23 p.m.): I can’t get out of bed.


MermaidMurmur (10:52 p.m.): woah really?


MermaidMurmur (11:10 p.m.): ur that sick?


MermaidMurmur (11:21 p.m.): i have to go to bed. message me okay?!?


PoopBoy (9:33 a.m.): My muscles are starting to cramp up when I sleep, because of not moving during the day. That’s why I was up.

PoopBoy: I wish someone would just take me out back and shoot me.


PoopBoy (9:42 a.m.): I don’t mean that. It just sucks.


October 4
MermaidMurmur (3:35 p.m.): hey!!! u doin ok?

MermaidMurmur: Be here be here be here.

MermaidMurmur: gahhh.

MermaidMurmur: i’ve got stuff to tell uu.

MermaidMurmur: we practiced again today.

MermaidMurmur: i thought about what u said…

MermaidMurmur: anyway i didn’t laugh at holly.

MermaidMurmur: it’s still weird though. and i’m pretty sure her feathers r still ruffled about the whole thing. whatever. what’s done is done.

MermaidMurmur: a bunch of the boys beat each other up with wooden sticks for the fight scene.

MermaidMurmur: thought u’d want to know.

MermaidMurmur: r u going to make the performance??? it’s on the 26. case u didn’t know.


October 6
MermaidMurmur (3:36 p.m.): anthonyyyyyy


October 8
PoopBoy (3:30 a.m.): There’s a monkey in my stomach,
ripping stuff up
with his monkey-claws.
I want to strangle that monkey.


MermaidMurmur (7:32 a.m.): that was weird. u okay??

MermaidMurmur: we need to get on here at the same time. where u been??


October 13
MermaidMurmur (3:42 p.m.): LISTEN


MermaidMurmur: I LOST JULIET!!!!!!!!!!


MermaidMurmur: and even worse…i lost it TO TRISTAN!!!!!!!!!

MermaidMurmur: mrs. cotton said, “since we have a female romeo we should really shake things up and have a male juliet.” honestly i think holly asked to have me replaced because of earlier…

MermaidMurmur: so i’m OUT.

MermaidMurmur: i am sooooo pissed off.

MermaidMurmur: now i’m juliet’s nurse.

MermaidMurmur: what the heccckkkkkk?

MermaidMurmur: where r u?!

MermaidMurmur: i’m so mad my hands r SHAAAKKKINNNGGG.


October 17
MermaidMurmur (3:56 p.m.): football tristan collapsed the balcony today.

MermaidMurmur: i miss when u were romeo and i was juliet.


October 22
MermaidMurmur (3:43 p.m.): where the heck have u been???

MermaidMurmur: i’m starting to think u died on me.

MermaidMurmur: r u mad at me or something? could u just say so rather than ignore me?


October 26
MermaidMurmur (9:37 p.m.): u weren’t at the performance????

MermaidMurmur: i’m really starting to worry.

MermaidMurmur: honestly stop it anthony.

MermaidMurmur: i know u don’t like people seeing u when ur sick, but i’m getting really scared. can i come? i don’t care if ur in the bathroom the whole time.


MermaidMurmur (11:00 p.m.): message me!


October 28
MermaidMurmur (3:50 p.m.): message me!!


MermaidMurmur (6:01 p.m.): message meeeeeee!!!!!


October 30
MermaidMurmur (2:35 p.m.): dude, i just rode my bike past ur house.

MermaidMurmur: y was there an AMBULANCE out there?!?!

MermaidMurmur: r u okay?!

“ambulance” © steeleman204 https://www.flickr.com/photos/rentman1225/3478034453/

MermaidMurmur (3:34 p.m.): answer. answer answer answer answer.


MermaidMurmur (7:06 p.m.): R U OKAY???????????????????


November 1
MermaidMurmur (3:32 p.m.): please don’t be dead.

MermaidMurmur: if ur dead then i’m messaging a dead person.

MermaidMurmur: and that’s just creepy.

MermaidMurmur: i don’t want u to have died.


November 2
MermaidMurmur (7:05 p.m.): called u. y is NO ONE answering at ur house?????


November 3
MermaidMurmur (11:30 p.m.): hey, remember that time i flipped over my bike handlebars?

MermaidMurmur: and knocked my head against the sidewalk?

MermaidMurmur: and scraped up my arms and knees?

MermaidMurmur: and we were 5 miles away from my house, because we were riding on the back roads where we weren’t supposed to be?

MermaidMurmur: i remember u sprinted like 3 miles to the nearest house and called my mom.

MermaidMurmur: and i sat on the side of the road, watching u get smaller and smaller.


November 4
MermaidMurmur (7:35 a.m.): i am a really big fan of u not being dead.

MermaidMurmur: i just reread that thing about the monkey. r u alright?

MermaidMurmur: i can’t sit still i’m so worried.

MermaidMurmur: WORRIED


MermaidMurmur (3:31 p.m.): alright. enough.


MermaidMurmur (9:05 p.m.): y didn’t u tell me u were so bad?

PoopBoy: Hi.

MermaidMurmur: anthony u looked horrible.

MermaidMurmur: ur skinny as a skeleton.

PoopBoy: Thanks.

MermaidMurmur: and ur eyes were really sunken.

MermaidMurmur: and dude, ur skin was YELLOW.

PoopBoy: This is all very flattering.

MermaidMurmur: y didn’t u say something?

PoopBoy: I feel like I did.

MermaidMurmur: r u going to get better??

PoopBoy: Probably.

MermaidMurmur: AAAHHH. ok, y aren’t u more freaked out about this????

PoopBoy: I don’t know.


PoopBoy (9:20 p.m.): But I’m really glad you came and saw me in real life.


Michele Tallarita lives in Philadelphia, where she works in digital marketing. While her short stories are often about monsters and aliens, she sometimes writes stories like this one, which depict what it was like to be diagnosed with ulcerative colitis as a kid. A YARN alum with an MFA from Temple University, she believes you need two things to get through the hard stuff: good friends and a good sense of humor.

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